Raw Pages

    Thunder and lightning born from self loathing and hatred consume my mind as if it were the last of known nutrition on the planet. I toss and turn as the lightning strikes deliver blow after blow of painful memories and mistakes. I run deep within the confines of what I assume to be is myself searching for shelter or comfort and find nothing of the sort. I begin to fear more for my sanity than I do my own life, as if that ever really carried value. Let's be honest, I would rather be a dead domestic, than a live loon any day. I toss once again as the flash streaks across my eyes and the thunder rolls in with the anger, rage, and hatred all while leaving a haze of remorse in the air. 

    There's no escape from it nor is there any hiding. I try to feel other emotions by recalling thoughts of joy from the past. And yet, I feel foolish because all signs of that emotion shows no signs of life. Which is fine to be honest. Since the actions I have taken have now taken a life of their own, I deserve nothing of the kind. For I am just a twisted, cold, and heartless bastard somehow expecting warmth from strangers. No such demonstration has ever existed in this world, nor will it ever. 

    I stand in my shower of tears from self pity and listen. I listen as the raging thunder, scowling winds, and berated howls rolling above begin consuming my every being. And yet, as my soul is devoured by this overbearing storm of depression and guilt, I stand motionless. Twisted by fear and surrounded by ignorance, not knowing where to run, how to hide, or what to say to try to defend your case. If you even had one. 

    Flash again and I am struck by the lethal lightning that gives life to the misery and dysfunctional memories of anguish and suffering that consistently course through my veins.  Just as quick as the strike my body goes limp and oddly numb. I thought I was only blinded by the light and deafened from the crash. So, why am I somehow numb from the pain? As I try to gather my surroundings, I sense I am laying on the ground. What distorted pain I had once felt begins to slip away. As this emotional pain grows beneath me, I catch a glare that tells me my sight is returning. 

    I see a sparkle of red splashing in the rain, but where is the origin? Please, God, I grow tired of these riddles and I really can't take much more of this. Wait! This wasn't God. This was me! I did this! What the FUCK have I done?! Have I sealed my own fate? "Oh God! I'm not ready to leave this world. Please, I am so sorry for what I did, I wanna take it back! Please! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die in this shit and going out this way! Lord, please...not on this day." 

    I thought I was helpless without choices and hopeless without prayers. I allowed pride to aid in my decisions, but that same pride left this world with me. In the end, what use was it really. I should have never relied on my pride, and I should have never underestimated the power of my fears. Some decisions, can't be unmade.  

Your deceitful tongue baits me, filling me with an unquenchable fire, lacking stability I continue to falter, anguish seeping through my pores, you glare at me with a delightful grin, a pawn in your secret plans, engorged your ego has fed from me for the last time, your venomous words no longer own me and empty promises so empty there is nothing left but the ghost of my ruin, and in the end he did feel what he had lost, the death and her ashes scattered, vulnerable and raw, trying so desperately not to show the anguish that sunder my soul, only silence fills the empty space now, swart is the time that seems to lag and exist in my pain, repeatedly beating myself against a tragic past, ripping the stitches I had so carefully sewn...

peacefully tiny floating seeds in the winds of change, brilliant blue abyss longing for the light again, sutured cuts reanimated passionately and unlike ever perceived, forthwith rhythmic tune sparked a vibe as her spirit began to dance and every cell awaken to form a new energy, once again naive her thoughts touching the dark pieces for the first time,  guarded we engage in life's trickery,  will you come with me and touch the stars, maneuver across the lush warmth of my body, speak to the kaleidoscope of sensations yearning to be heard and then explore deep inside, so close the words forge together no longer making words but only sounds.

H.C.